The Wolf In The Storm (Alzheimer’s Attacks Again)

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A day’s worth of love has filled my heart.  After all, she is my mom.  Her inability to love has had no effect on my love for her.

A day’s worth of thoughts has consumed my mind.  No matter how I try, I can’t comprehend this disease, this wolf devouring her being.

My soul, through which my heart and mind are connected, is clenched with the struggle between my love for her and my hatred of this illness.

At the end of the day, I travel to her door.  The building looms like a thunderstorm on the horizon.  I want to walk away, but I know I must face it.  As I step across the parking lot, I feel the first sprinkles of rain on my skin.  The drops burn as I consider what I will find just inside those walls.

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I walk through the hallways.  I’m inside the storm, now.  I feel the acidic burn of a downpour.  Will I handle the disappointment?  Can I hide my frustration?  Will my mind be able to process it all, one more time?

I turn the corner and she sees me.  She knows I’m there, but I am either not me or someone who looks like me, but not me.  I’ve repeated this so many times.  I’m no less prepared today.  Lightning bolts flash out of the dark clouds and explode in my soul.

I visit with mom.  She visits with the person sitting in my chair.

I walk away when I can take no more.  The wolf has nipped my heart.  He has tried to take my love for her.  He knows he cannot take my love, so he rips at my mind.

My mind moves to protect my heart.  My heart cannot defend itself from the attacks.  It only knows to love Mom.

My mind knows it will never understand.  Concession to the futility of trying is its only defense.

My soul has been laid open again by the assault on my heart and my mind.  It is my soul’s job to keep them connected.  It demands unity.  It knows both are required to protect me.

As I drive away, I know I can do nothing.  I know I cannot do nothing alone!

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She holds my hand.  I am loved.  She listens to my silence.

God holds my heart.  I am loved.

God soothes my mind.  I am loved.

God owns my soul.  I am loved.




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